Some days I deserve a standing ovations just for getting dressed.

Some days I need a pot of coffee and a straw just to start the day...just kidding...I never use a straw

Some mornings I wake up to the brain and tongue arguing so bad ....english becomes my second language

Today the word stupid has become "politically incorrect".....but you know...there are times when that is the only word fits.
We have all done stupid to some degree in our lifetime, so if I call you out on stupid, it is because I have a life time of experience to draw from.

Everyone is an idiot to someone at one time or another so you may as well enjoy the moment

Some days I do "stupid" so well you would think I was training for the olympics

I swear, some people do stupid so well you would think they made it a career choice

Ever wake up stupid and just know it is going to go downhill from there

Ever try to help a friend find themself only to get the both of you more
  lost....I can get lost in a convenience store with a map.


You know your bad at directions when you can get a cop
lost  repeating back the directions he just gave you.....ya.....I wish that were
a  joke

Driving has become like an extreme sport lately...the only reason
  people are doing a 100 on the 401 is when they are changing a tire or
  parking...I swear...there are times when I am sure if I look in the car beside
  me I will see Mickey Mouse driving with Donald Duck and Goofy pulling a trailer
  trying to pass one one wheel and junk flying out the back

Just a little FYI for you drivers out there.....

Stop signs and speed limits....are not a suggestion

A flashing advance....means go

All cars come with working turn signals....and you have the ability to use them

The shoulder....is not a passing lane....

I just want to leave you with this advice...if you drink tonight  don't drive....most accidents are caused by people
If you drink tonight.....don't have sex as most people are caused by accident.....

My body is a scientific wonder...my breast and butt have proven gravity works

After a certain age...ladies can not longer go braless...well they can but they risk trip over their nipples

Ladies... if your breast flap like a flag in the wind....wear a bra

Ladies....if you risk snagging a nipple in the sidewalk.....weat a bra

Ladies....if your nipples wink at your bellybutton on the way down to visit the knees....wear a bra

When I was younger and layed down my nipples star gazed.....now when I lay down  they try to tuck themselves into my armpits using them as a sleeping bag for warmth

I know I should exercise more...but I hate it...if I am going to a gym...it is a bar named after some guy

My body is not so much my temple as it is an amusement park with scary rides and rolls